Well, I don't know what I'm doing here. How this can help? But here I am typing out into the cyber world. For what? I'm emotionally hurting, desperate. Crazy part, I'm usually the one helping others, work in professional fields, so love helping people, have spent years helping, giving, working in various forms of the healthcare field,weather being a therapist or in Nursing. ~ Brought myself out of the depths of childhood trauma, only to feel myself falling back after all these years. Sux! I feel desperate, cry a lot, want to run somewhere, want to hide. In last 2 years I have struggled to keep myself going, be positive, surrender to God, ask for help.. Only to sit here stuck.. spinning my wheels... I was repeatedly abused as a child, married an abuser over 30 yrs ago.. had my teeth busted, cracked. Have had them fixed repeatedly to where there is nothing left for them to fix and I need dentures. Well, I have been repeatedly rejected by jobs due to my teeth being broken.. again.. ( All upper teeth in from and 3 on bottom are broken off now. I live in pain a lot, I continually get infection in my lower jaw, causing swelling down in my neck, up to my head.. Causing all kinds of added physical issues. I'm high risk for heart disease, and am on medication for Hypertension. I have been in this position for 2 years and am tired of the shame, embarrassment, pain, swelling, fear of eating. I am married, my husband works, but it's gone to only PT and it's all we can do to pay bills, cos now he's getting laid off. Anytime we try to get enough money to get dentures, the car has problems. Now w/ hours cut any money we get has to go to bills to prevent housing issues. I'm soo tired of hurting, of feeling like I'm worthless when underneath my dental / financial problems. I'm as capable as anyone else. I just can't seem to get a break.. I'd love to work, I miss it so much.. But, I can't even deal with the rejection anymore.. All I want to do is get help.. Honestly, I'm only on here to try to help myself get this out, I know there's no help out there after 2 years of trying. I don't want to give up, I'm fighting unhealthy thoughts, urges.. My family is known for suicidal thoughts and I hate being grouped with it, but thoughts pass now and then.. But truth be known if I have a choice between living like this and some form of escape.. Escaping is actually looking good.. And I hate feeling like that too, I really just want this Desperation, Hurt to STOP... I just want to be reasonably normal, able to be accepted, and work.. To be able to eat w/o fear of infection, to actually chew my food like I should be able too.
Yet, this is affecting my thoughts, and my health.. And, I'm tired of fighting for good, when there's no help for the helpers.
